


all things go

by falsettolands



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, soft if u squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:15:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falsettolands/pseuds/falsettolands
Summary: connor was a little taken aback. that didn’t seem like something evan hansen would say. but he was currently sitting in evan hansen’s car slurping a cherry slushee at 3 am in a gas station parking lot.so what was normal?





	all things go

It felt like the end of the world. 

maybe it was. 

maybe the sky would stay under its blanket of black until it explodes into reds and yellows and oranges and other colors that appear when the sun envelopes the earth. 

but all of that thinking only made Connor’s head hurt more.

he lost track of the time but it was still dark so it was anywhere between 11 pm and 5:30 am. he couldn’t tell. he was too high to care.

his feet felt grounded but he was sitting on his roof so that was a bit redundant. and his head felt empty, cloudy, out of order. he felt numb, he liked it way too much.

he wanted to do so much more than sit on his roof and smoke weed and be sad. he wanted to go on adventures and listen to good music. he wanted to have friends and he wanted to make memories, he wanted to live, he really did. but not as himself, not as Connor Murphy. he didn’t want to be the kid that everyone knew tried to OD in the park sophmore year. who had been in and out of hospitals and rehabs ever since. who always looked so tired, who never had anyone to sit with. 

fuck that shit. 

fuck that shit to hell. 

- 

he must’ve blacked out between jumping off his roof and ending up at the 7-11 two miles down the street because he only came to his senses when he was filling up a plastic cup with cherry slushee and couldn’t remember how he had gotten there. 

he had to peak out the store front to make sure he had taken his car, and that the car was not in flames.

he was good.

well, theoretically.

he paid for his slushee and tried to keep his contact with the very depressing looking cashier to a minimum. what now?  he probably should’ve called zoe, or anyone. he shouldn’t drive home like this. 

but he was probably going to anyway because fuck it right? 

so he exits the 7-11 and starts to unlock his car when he noticed the vehicle next to his own. 

it was a sad looking, white colored chevy impala and inside was an even sadder looking boy, who seemed to be crying. and looked deadly familiar. 

he crouched down and knocked on the window with the back of his index finger.

”evan hansen?” 

the boy slowly took his head from his hands, revealing puffy, tear stained cheeks.

shit. 

he saw the boy’s face redden and his lips form a taunt, thin line. he scattered to unlock the door, signaling that connor could come in.

”hey, you look like shit.” 

wow nice one connor.

”hey, you do too.” 

connor was a little taken aback. that didn’t seem like something evan hansen would say. but he was currently sitting in evan hansen’s car slurping a cherry slushee at 3 am in a gas station parking lot. 

so what was normal? 

“are y-you h-high?” evan inquired. he sounded like a little kid. his innocence warmed connor’s heart. 

“yes, very much so.” 

“sh-shit. well g-great.” evan seemed really stressed out over connor’s highness. he didnt know why though, wasn’t his problem.

”are you okay, hansen?” 

“no! not at all! i h-hate myself and i h-had the worst p-panic attack of m-my life and i don’t even f-feel real. and i uh j-just-“

evan crumbled over his steering wheel and fell into a fit of sobs. 

fuck. 

connor was not good at comforting people. he ended up resting his hand on evan’s back and rubbed circles with his finger on evan’s back. he whispered shushes and “its okays” 

you know, bullshit.

evan snapped his neck back up and sharply inhaled. “i’m s-sorry. i’m being r-ridiculous. p-pathetic.” 

“you’re not.” 

evan gave him a weak smile. 

“so what’s up with you? what landed you at a 7-11 at 3 am and in my car?”

connor breathed in slowly.

”well. my dad and i got into it again tonight. real ugly stuff. he told me that the family would be better off if i was sent away.”

there was a beat of silence, neither knowing what to say. 

“i told him i hated him, i made my mom and sister cry. so i got high, and ended up here.” 

“my dad left when i was seven” 

more silence.

”s-shit. i shouldn’t h-have said that. i’m s-sorry.” 

“nah, you’re good. i guess we’re both a bit fucked up, huh?” 

evan choked out a laugh and nodded, wiping his tears. 

connor laid his head back on the seat. “hey, this might sound weird but do you just want to drive around for a bit? you can drop me off back here when we’re done.” 

evan looked at him, for the first time the two boys really locked eyes and read into each other, connor wondered if evan felt it too. 

“s-sure.” 

and he put the car in drive. and they drove. 

evan had his music plugged in and played things from the smiths, oasis, arcade fire, and sufjan stevens. 

the way the moon was hitting evan’s face, the lyrics to the smiths song playing and the way their streets looked at night all made connor feel at peace. like he was okay, just for that moment. just for that night. 

“i t-think, uh, t-that w-we should be f-friends.” evan spit out the words like he didn’t want them in his mouth. 

connor rolled his neck so he was facing evan. “oh yeah?” he said through a half smile.

”imeanifyoudontwanttoitotallygetitimthe-“

”evan. stop.” 

and so evan stopped. 

“of course i want to be your friend, i just don’t think you’d want to be mine.” 

evan looked nervous. “w-w-whys that?” 

connor coughed out a dry laugh. “i’m not necessarily the softest, friendliest person.”

”maybe you don’t t-think that, but i always thought you w-were k-kind.” 

connor laughed out loud. “what makes you think that?” 

evan’s face was serious as he looked dead set on the road ahead of him. “8th grade. i had a, uh, v-very l-loud panic attack t-trying to g-give a presentation.” 

silence.

”okay, and?” 

evan turned his eyes from the road and met eyes with connor and dammit there was that feeling again. “you were the only one that didn’t laugh.” 

connor smiled softly at the boy across from him, he did feel soft for him, for the first time ever, Connor Murphy felt soft.

they drove back to the gas station in silence, but it was comfortable. 

-

evan parked his car and turned to connor, the world was in rewind. 

“i meant what i said.” evan informed.

connor smiled at him, “i’ll keep you in mind, hansen”

more silence.

”thanks for the ride, it meant a lot to talk to you.” and connor meant it. 

“no, thank you. i don’t want to think about what i would’ve done if you hadn’t knocked on my window.” he laughed.

connor smiled, he knew the feeling. 

connor thinks they understand each other.

the door unlocks and connor is about to leave when he swings his legs back in the car and does something completley impuslive.

he kisses evan.

and evan kisses back

they kiss each other’s until connor’s lips are bruised and evan can’t breath.

and then evan smiles. and they world isn’t going to end, because he just kissed evan hansen and now he’s smiling.

and so he drives home. 

**Author's Note:**

> this SUUUCKS thanks for reading tho


End file.
